A Hangover in Southeast Asia
by RickyB0bby4
Summary: Doug, Phil, Stu, and Alan are back at it again; only this time, it's a lot different. They decide to go to Thailand for Doug's Bachelor's party and find themselves stuck in the middle of the Vietnam War. Thrown into the setting of Tropic Thunder, they must meander their way across the Indochina Peninsula.


(Doug)

Reveling in the events of the past few days, I don't know how we're alive. All I can say is we will never forget what happened in April of June, 1973. The camera roll for this excursion has to be worth millions of dollars. After I'm done telling you about this trip, you'll think two things. How are we still alive? And why are they not on Saturday Night Live because these guys are good comedians? If we went on a strange comedy show, people wouldn't even believe us. I'll stop elaborating and move on with our story.

For My Bachelors party, I thought it would be sweet to go to Vietnam. I might have been a little drunk because common sense tells me that going to a country with an all-out war is not a good idea. But it sounded fun and stupid, which is how bachelor parties should be. I was planning on inviting my friends Phil and Stu (Stuart). But I didn't want to leave out my fiancés brother Alan. Alan was weird, but cool. Actually, no he wasn't cool, and he was super weird. But I would have to know him for the rest of my life, so why not try and make the best of it. We booked flights and just like that we were there. We landed in Bangkok, Thailand. It Turns out that there is a war going on and our flight to Ho Chi Minh City was canceled, I guess we're having fun in Thailand.

We bought reservations for a five-star hotel/casino for a three day stay. Alan was too excited, and when we arrived at the airport, he disappeared for a few hours. Preparing for the night ahead was the number one thing on our minds. To warm up, we went day-drinking around town. We went to so many bars, that I got confused and couldn't tell the difference between _ching_and _chong__. _Because Alan was partying so hard, he passed out at the third one. It was not fun carrying him around the rest of that day. We bought drinks, darts, chews, and maybe some drugs. We invited almost all the people we met at the bars, which probably wasn't a good idea. The party was insane, I think. I wouldn't know because I can't remember a thing. The only evidence piece of information is the camera roll. But let's get into the good part of the story.

(Phil)

I woke up and immediately felt the effects of last night. I saw Alan hunched over the couch like a Frito. Stu was asleep on the couch and wearing braces. I had no Idea where Doug was. I went into the kitchen hoping to get some water and found a crocodile asleep in the middle of the floor. I stood there, frozen, unable to think or move. I finally came to my senses and woke Stu up. I told him there was a crocodile in the kitchen and he just looked at me stupidly. Somehow, Alan had woken up from his beauty sleep and the next thing I know he was screaming his head off. The demon lizard came charging into the living room and we all fled into the bathroom. Our plan was to use Alan as bait. We threw a piece of meat from the bath tub out into living room. We made a brake for it. When we made it outside, we were relieved to be away from the crocodile, but then we realized we had left Doug. As we were discussing our next plan of action, a black Suburban pulled up and nabbed us. An Asian man started screaming at us and demanded we pay him his 500K in twenty-four hours, or he would kill Doug.

Alan said, "What do you want from us you Asian Jason Bourne?"

He said, "Mah name es Jackie Chou-sung; money, give me money. Five-hunnid tousand or Doug die. Now suck dees Vietnamese nuts."

So now we knew where Doug was. We had to find him. Alan was hyperventilating. We made our way to a car renter ship, rented a 1966 Ford truck. It was the slowest thing ever, and it reeked because Alan kept farting. Stu was our navigator because he is a literal genius. The "Suck my Vietnamese nuts guy" told us to meet him in Hanoi in twenty-four hours. So, first we had to make our way across the Indochina peninsula. As we were on the road, AK-47 shots started firing. I, as the driver, did something every sensible person would do; I floored it and tried to get away. Just as I thought we were in the clear, a round hit one of our back tires. We were surrounded by, what seemed to be, a Vietcong squad. They took us back to their camp to question us. Stu was scared, I was scared, and Alan, was nowhere to be seen. We heard a commotion outside and looked through the whole in wall. Alan was in the middle of a circle of people, being lifted up on a mobile throne. All the people were bowing to him. Of course, he was soaking it up. He looked like he had just won the lottery. I made eye-contact with him. Somehow, he knew exactly what I wanted.

He yelled, "Silence peasants. Release my friends immediately or I will rain down fire from heaven and burn you all."

Obviously, they weren't Vietcong, and apparently, they thought he was some form of a deity. Alan didn't want to leave, we forced him to by promising him a lifetime free supply of blueberry donuts. They gave us one of their cars and we were back on our way to Ho Chi Minh City. According to Stu, we were somewhere in central Laos. Now this was very dangerous. We didn't know at the time, but Laos was a haven for Vietcong.

Three Americans driving on dirt roads in a pick-up truck in middle of Laos, what could go wrong. Alan was still mad that he couldn't stay in the village. We were worried about Doug. How were we going to raise 500K in, now, eighteen hours? Stu had an excellent idea. We were going to trick the Vietcong into giving us 500K. Of course, Alan would be the ransom. Me and Stu were going to dress as Asians, and pretend that Alan was an American soldier. We found a Vietcong camp and started the plan. When we were approaching the gate, guards popped up and started yelling in Vietnamese. Then we realized we don't speak Vietnamese. We panicked and started speaking in a very English Asian accent.

"American, dis here American. You give us five-hunnid tousand, we give him to you."

They weren't buying it. Suddenly, Alan started speaking their language.

He said, "Ho la nguoi My. Toi se dua chung cho ban voi gia 500 nghin."

He must have picked up on some Vietnamese back in the village. I don't know what he said, but I'm guessing our plan flipped and now me and Stu were the ransom. Alan walked away with 500k and we were stuck in a Vietcong prison camp.

"What just happened?" asked Stu.

I looked at him stupidly and said, "Alan just sold us for 500K, that's what happened. He's probably going to spend it on Zelda action figures too."

Then we heard gun shots. Men were yelling, AK-47 rounds were being sprayed off, it was chaos. But then none other than Alan walked through the door looking like Rambo. He had two M-16's in his hands and a cigar in his mouth. We escaped and we were back on the road.

It was around 3:00 A.M. and we were all dead. We had the 500K and were ready to get Doug back. We met Jacki Chou on the outskirts of Ho Chi Minh. He rolled down the window of the black suburban and said,

"Whah is uhh my pellow wetards? You have ma money? You better have my money, or you gonna suck dees Vietnamese bawlls."

We handed him the money and asked for Doug. He gave us Doug, but it wasn't Doug. It was some random fool who was pissed off at Alan. Alan seemed to know him. Then, it hit Stu. Doug was still at the Hotel. We raced back to Bangkok and found Doug, still asleep, hanging from the ceiling by a wedgie. We snapped a photo and woke him up. He was furious.

"Alan, get me down from here right now you fat baboon." I swear I'll have your father disown you. Oh, you think I'm kidding, you know he wishes he could. Phil, why am I hanging here? Stu, why do you have braces? What's going on!"

No one could remember what happened last night.

Stu said, "Wait guys, let's just look at the camera."

Right before we looked, Doug said, "After we look through this, we're chucking this thing into the Bay of Bengal, alright."


End file.
